Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The Big "C"

Long overdo, but, lots to say..
   So, I just realized that it has been way way way too long since I've blogged. I really thought I'd keep up with it better, but I'm a full time cancer patient, that's the occupation I tell everyone I have, because, well, it takes up most of my life, this cancer stuff. But I still have been crafting, cooking, baking and crocheting, even thrifting in my spare time. It's what keeps me sane. Sitting here with my crochet hook and a big ol' skein of yarn calms me in a way only baking had done before. Now baking, that's the ultimate relaxation for me. Ask anyone who has sat and watched me bake a batch of cookies, or a nice bundt cake, I get this look on my face and the world fades away.. Hmmm.. (imagine this fading into a beachy island, with a big palm tree swaying in the wind, with a pelican flying by.. Waves crashing.. No stingrays though.. Ha)

<(This here, is reality.
<Hand crocheted slippers
<by the way! I had a lot
<of fun making these last
   But anyway, back to reality. "Hot in Cleveland" is on on my flat screen hospital television, I can hear my iv pump just a goin, and my fingers are getting cold from the typing on my ipad..since my room is like an igloo. (by my choice though) I'm in my MD Anderson tee, with some purple plaid pj pants and my hair is braided back like the cute styles on pinterest (well, I tried) This visit has been a toughy. If you follow me on Facebook, you've read. I came in to the ER passed out in a wheel chair, pushed in by my poor frantic mother, and my 12 year old niece, bless their hearts. (I could only imagine having to see that, being either of them) After lots of doctor discussions, and a few sleepless nights, I got on track and they decided on a scope. Which is an endoscopy, where they put a camera down your mouth, into your throat, and down to you stomach. There, they take pictures. I've had an endoscopy two days in a row, with a fibrin glue procedure where they squirt blood product "glue" all over my ulcers on my stomach. Everything is getting stable now. Blood work is starting to finally go up on its own, after 6 units of blood. And lots of hemoglobin checks.  

 Back on subject now.. 

The Big "C" 

  I've had a couple people reach out to me lately, and tell me how much I influence their daily lives.. I just wanted to say how much joy that brings me.. I say it all the time, but I want everyone to know that, that is the reason why I stay strong. Why I look at everything the way I do. Because I know that God has given me this path in life for a reason, and it's to teach and show people how grateful for life that I am. To show everyone how wonderful the Lord is, how much he has blessed me. 

My life has definitely been no bed of roses, but it could be so much worse. I have a wonderful, big, close family, that I wouldn't trade for the world. I love them unconditionally, and they love me back. I have friends, who I consider family, and who I love just the same. I am in the worlds best hospital, being treated by the best doctors and nurses there are. And yeah, I may have a life threatening disease, cancer, the big "C," but I have so much more than that.

 I had a doctor tell me almost 3 years ago, now, that I needed to get my bucket list written, that I should get my things in order, basically saying I wasn't going to make it long, but dammit, I'm still here, fighting harder than ever. I may have to look the fear of death in the face every single day, but it's only because I'm pushing it away, not letting it take me over. And I know that there are some people who don't think I have it too bad, because I don't look like it, because I haven't lost my hair, and because I don't have to do the "hard" chemo. But let me tell you, what I've had to do is not easy. God never promised it would be. It's just going to be worth it. He'll never give me too much to handle. So for the doctor who told me to start my bucket list, and all the people who think I'm fine, just because I look okay, I WILL be fine one day. And I'm fighting my way out of this horrible disease, that has taken so many from us all, until the very, very end. Just the way God intended me to.

  You can't keep a good woman down, you know?

-In hopes that I'll be home before the weekend. 


  1. I am already such an emotional prego lady...I love you damnit! :-p

  2. Beautiful inside and out. The beauty will overtake the big C. Love you Jessica!

  3. Testing to see if I can post because last time I couldn't ;)

  4. yay it worked! I have to completely agree with you, God gave you this battle because he knows you can take it, and like I always tell people, no life, no matter how short, is in vain, there's purpose to everyone, some find it sooner than others. I'm one of those people you inspire daily, your strength and your positive outlook on life just amaze me and make me look at life in a whole different way, I spent a lot of time hiding from life and from feelings and feeling sorry for myself but that's all changed by two people: You and Ashton, you're both very inspiring to me and make me want to enjoy the little things in life and find joy in everything around me. I pray to God you can keep proving these Drs wrong and show them that you have so much more fight left in you! Love you Jess!